Last Wheeze?

It has come to my attention that I don't really post on here anymore. Should I continue to let this blog limp along, or should I take it out back and shoot it? No doubt by now I have been demoted by Will from 'Occasionally blogs" to "Seldom blogs." I'm not sure why this is. I still do some entertaining things that warrent being written about. I feel like I've lost my motivation to write.

IF ANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN MY MOTIVATION PLEASE RETURN IT POST-HASTE.

I quit my job last week. It was a beautiful feeling. It was so good, in fact, that I'm thinking of reapplying for the job just so I can quit again. But when they ask me if I'd like to accept the position I'd have to say yes. And I'm just not that good of a liar.

I'm studying for the LSAT right now; I decided to take it again in december. Because it was that much fun the first time. Actually, most of my entertainment right now comes from reading the news about France. Ohhhh boy. They are le Fucked. I enjoy watching the mainstream media refusing to take off the kid gloves and call France out for their failed social and economic policies. Instead they do this awkward verbal dance around the subject, referring to the French "youths" who just need to feel appreciated. The French "leadership" is no better- I read in the news today the Labor Minister was blaming a large portion of this disaster (natural progression?) on polygamy. Yes, polygamy. Over a thousand cars have been torched because the "youths" lack a father figure. Whether the father figure, were he around, would set them on the straight and narrow path of political participation and social assimilation, or inform them of the 72 virgins-in-heat awaiting the incineration of their explosive-laden body was not discussed.

Hot.... Or Not?

I used to go on Hot or Not for fun. I don't anymore. This is why

What Happens In Chicago, Stays In Chicago

...Except the pain in my back.

So we had Suykerbuyks bachelor party last week. Although this means he will soon be licensed to start having kids (does this terrify anyone else?), we had a fantastic time wishing him years of marital bliss. Falk and I managed to steal copious amounts of Goose Island beer from an unguarded tap which more than made up for the charred biscuit they generously described as a hamburger.

Later we wandered into a country bar where the main attraction (besides the "cowgirls") was a mechanical bull. "Surely you thought better than to ride the mechanical bull?" you might ask. Well no, I didn't think better. And stop calling me Surely. Surprisingly, I managed to stay on for quite some time. All those hours spent watching ESPN2's rodeo championships really paid off. I would say it's mostly in the wrist, but it's also in the forearm, torso, and remarkably out of shape inner thighs. I don't know how long, exactly, I stayed on. I know it felt like around 5 minutes, but I'm guessing it was closer to 30 seconds. Which still beats the 8 seconds those "real" bullriders shoot for. Sallies. So there I was, left hand tucked expertly under the rope, right hand held cavalierly over my head for balance (I've got eyewitnesses), when the ride controller, disappointed he didn't unseat me on the first fast spin, and no doubt eager to get another drunk sorostitute with huge cans up on the bull so he could set it on "vibrate" and sit back and watch (which he totally did), put the bull on the "exterminate" setting and sent me through some heinous maneuvers that finally lifted me off of the bull and deposited me firmly on the mat.

Well, fast forward a week and change and there's this festering pain in my lower back that refuses to go away. Even after I scored a free massage from a chiropractic clinic whos account I renewed, this nagging ache won't leave. So I think it's about time I go see a real doctor and get this thing straightened out. Because I never know when I might run into another mechanical bull who looks me in the eye and defies me to take him on like a real man, shoulder hump to balls.

Rape Victim

Now before you starting thinking that I got thrown in prison, I was not physically molested. But early monday morning my car was broken into and vandalized. And by "vandalized" I mean the side window was smashed, the center dashboard was completely torn up, my cd/tuner system was ripped out, and my cd's, watch, wallet, and checkbook were stolen.

It's important to understand that, for me, my car is much more than just a system for transportation. I basically live out of it. Home isn't that exciting, and I log countless hours on the road traveling between my office and sales calls. I mean, seriously, I even keep food, a sleeping bag, and a change of clothes in my car. I just never know when I won't bother going home. Kind of makes me feel like a transient hippie. But not in that gross "let's love everybody" kind of way. Because we all know how Cartman feels about hippies.

Officer Barbrady: You can't just lock 63 people in your basement.
Cartman: They're not people, they're hippies!

Cartman: M'am, I'm here to check your house for parasites ... apparently, you have hippies.


I guess vagrant is a better term.

So I spent most of Monday talking to my insurance company and the police, who were surprisingly helpful and cooperative. They must be tracking this guy because the cop spent over an hour photographing the area and taking fingerprints. What kind of dumbass crook forgets to wear gloves? But I did a little P.I. work on my own and found some footprints. Which I'm sure will make or break this case...

The thing that pisses me off is that I live out in the friggin country. If I wanted to have my car broken into, I would have moved to Detroit. Or Flint. Or even to the "beautiful diversity of culture", as my hippie coworker put it, that is downtown Lansing. But no, I live on a damn dirt road. It takes some kind of balls to break into a farm house in an area where pretty much everybody has a shotgun and a big dog.

So I'm slowly trying to put my life back together. This includes replacing everything in my wallet, protecting myself against identity theft, repairing my car, and (definitely) installing some severe anti-theft items to my car. I would like to get electrified handles and tear gas dispensers, but I may have to settle for a loud ass alarm. Given that everybody and their mom has a car alarm, I have decided to go a step further and get (check this out) a pager that goes off when my car gets molested. So if I'm in my house and somebody smashes a window, my pager will go nuts and let me know exactly what happened to the car. Then I can grab the nearest blunt object and take care of bidness myself. Nothing in the world would have satisfied me more than to have snuck up on this bastard as he was prying open my dashboard. I would have called the cops a few days later, "Yeah, officer, it looks like he stabbed himself in the back five or six times and then jumped in the lake."

Can you feel the bitterness?

The Smell Of Chordite In The Morning

The Arab Inquisition strikes again. Given our sensationalist media, I'm sure this is not news to anybody. I spent Thursday morning with my co-worker from Britain. His repeated attempts to phone and email his family back home made the attacks much more real than any news crew could. He was more calm than I expected, saying he had grown up with IRA bombings as a kid. The difference being these attackers weren't Irish, didn't call ahead to warn of the attack, and didn't go out of their way to avoid killing civilians. Still, that's a hell of a way to grow up.
Regardless of whether the terrorists were resident Arabs or imported North Africans, or whether or not the attacks deliberately coincided with the G8 summit, the message is clear: support the Americans at your own risk. They bullied the Philippines to back down when they kidnapped whoever that guy was, and they scared the Spanish into tucking tail and running with their railway attacks last year. Hopefully the Brits have a little more spine. We already know they've got the upper lip for it.

Let's not forget the Poles are on our side. Viva Poland!

*Sigh* I just get so frustrated when the media starts their hand-wringing and self-blame. The idea that none of these attacks would ever have happened if we had just left the terrorists alone is ludicrous. And now they're suggesting we tear down Guantanamo Bay and pull out of Iraq because we're "stirring up resentment and increasing terrorist recruitment." And people might call us names. Apparently none of these people have read the Koran. But it's late and I'm cutting this off before it turns into a rant.