Intellectual Bully

Last Wheeze?

2005-11-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that I don't really post on here anymore. Should I continue to let this blog limp along, or should I take it out back and shoot it? No doubt by now I have been demoted by Will from 'Occasionally blogs" to "Seldom blogs." I'm not sure why this is. I still do some entertaining things that warrent being written about. I feel like I've lost my motivation to write.

IF ANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN MY MOTIVATION PLEASE RETURN IT POST-HASTE.

I quit my job last week. It was a beautiful feeling. It was so good, in fact, that I'm thinking of reapplying for the job just so I can quit again. But when they ask me if I'd like to accept the position I'd have to say yes. And I'm just not that good of a liar.

I'm studying for the LSAT right now; I decided to take it again in december. Because it was that much fun the first time. Actually, most of my entertainment right now comes from reading the news about France. Ohhhh boy. They are le Fucked. I enjoy watching the mainstream media refusing to take off the kid gloves and call France out for their failed social and economic policies. Instead they do this awkward verbal dance around the subject, referring to the French "youths" who just need to feel appreciated. The French "leadership" is no better- I read in the news today the Labor Minister was blaming a large portion of this disaster (natural progression?) on polygamy. Yes, polygamy. Over a thousand cars have been torched because the "youths" lack a father figure. Whether the father figure, were he around, would set them on the straight and narrow path of political participation and social assimilation, or inform them of the 72 virgins-in-heat awaiting the incineration of their explosive-laden body was not discussed.

Hot.... Or Not?

2005-08-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

I used to go on Hot or Not for fun. I don't anymore. This is why

What Happens In Chicago, Stays In Chicago

2005-08-01T22:09:00.000-04:00

...Except the pain in my back.

So we had Suykerbuyks bachelor party last week. Although this means he will soon be licensed to start having kids (does this terrify anyone else?), we had a fantastic time wishing him years of marital bliss. Falk and I managed to steal copious amounts of Goose Island beer from an unguarded tap which more than made up for the charred biscuit they generously described as a hamburger.

Later we wandered into a country bar where the main attraction (besides the "cowgirls") was a mechanical bull. "Surely you thought better than to ride the mechanical bull?" you might ask. Well no, I didn't think better. And stop calling me Surely. Surprisingly, I managed to stay on for quite some time. All those hours spent watching ESPN2's rodeo championships really paid off. I would say it's mostly in the wrist, but it's also in the forearm, torso, and remarkably out of shape inner thighs. I don't know how long, exactly, I stayed on. I know it felt like around 5 minutes, but I'm guessing it was closer to 30 seconds. Which still beats the 8 seconds those "real" bullriders shoot for. Sallies. So there I was, left hand tucked expertly under the rope, right hand held cavalierly over my head for balance (I've got eyewitnesses), when the ride controller, disappointed he didn't unseat me on the first fast spin, and no doubt eager to get another drunk sorostitute with huge cans up on the bull so he could set it on "vibrate" and sit back and watch (which he totally did), put the bull on the "exterminate" setting and sent me through some heinous maneuvers that finally lifted me off of the bull and deposited me firmly on the mat.

Well, fast forward a week and change and there's this festering pain in my lower back that refuses to go away. Even after I scored a free massage from a chiropractic clinic whos account I renewed, this nagging ache won't leave. So I think it's about time I go see a real doctor and get this thing straightened out. Because I never know when I might run into another mechanical bull who looks me in the eye and defies me to take him on like a real man, shoulder hump to balls.

Rape Victim

2005-07-20T21:07:00.000-04:00

Now before you starting thinking that I got thrown in prison, I was not physically molested. But early monday morning my car was broken into and vandalized. And by "vandalized" I mean the side window was smashed, the center dashboard was completely torn up, my cd/tuner system was ripped out, and my cd's, watch, wallet, and checkbook were stolen.

It's important to understand that, for me, my car is much more than just a system for transportation. I basically live out of it. Home isn't that exciting, and I log countless hours on the road traveling between my office and sales calls. I mean, seriously, I even keep food, a sleeping bag, and a change of clothes in my car. I just never know when I won't bother going home. Kind of makes me feel like a transient hippie. But not in that gross "let's love everybody" kind of way. Because we all know how Cartman feels about hippies.

Officer Barbrady: You can't just lock 63 people in your basement.
Cartman: They're not people, they're hippies!

Cartman: M'am, I'm here to check your house for parasites ... apparently, you have hippies.

I guess vagrant is a better term.

So I spent most of Monday talking to my insurance company and the police, who were surprisingly helpful and cooperative. They must be tracking this guy because the cop spent over an hour photographing the area and taking fingerprints. What kind of dumbass crook forgets to wear gloves? But I did a little P.I. work on my own and found some footprints. Which I'm sure will make or break this case...

The thing that pisses me off is that I live out in the friggin country. If I wanted to have my car broken into, I would have moved to Detroit. Or Flint. Or even to the "beautiful diversity of culture", as my hippie coworker put it, that is downtown Lansing. But no, I live on a damn dirt road. It takes some kind of balls to break into a farm house in an area where pretty much everybody has a shotgun and a big dog.

So I'm slowly trying to put my life back together. This includes replacing everything in my wallet, protecting myself against identity theft, repairing my car, and (definitely) installing some severe anti-theft items to my car. I would like to get electrified handles and tear gas dispensers, but I may have to settle for a loud ass alarm. Given that everybody and their mom has a car alarm, I have decided to go a step further and get (check this out) a pager that goes off when my car gets molested. So if I'm in my house and somebody smashes a window, my pager will go nuts and let me know exactly what happened to the car. Then I can grab the nearest blunt object and take care of bidness myself. Nothing in the world would have satisfied me more than to have snuck up on this bastard as he was prying open my dashboard. I would have called the cops a few days later, "Yeah, officer, it looks like he stabbed himself in the back five or six times and then jumped in the lake."

Can you feel the bitterness?

The Smell Of Chordite In The Morning

2005-07-09T00:37:00.000-04:00

The Arab Inquisition strikes again. Given our sensationalist media, I'm sure this is not news to anybody. I spent Thursday morning with my co-worker from Britain. His repeated attempts to phone and email his family back home made the attacks much more real than any news crew could. He was more calm than I expected, saying he had grown up with IRA bombings as a kid. The difference being these attackers weren't Irish, didn't call ahead to warn of the attack, and didn't go out of their way to avoid killing civilians. Still, that's a hell of a way to grow up.
Regardless of whether the terrorists were resident Arabs or imported North Africans, or whether or not the attacks deliberately coincided with the G8 summit, the message is clear: support the Americans at your own risk. They bullied the Philippines to back down when they kidnapped whoever that guy was, and they scared the Spanish into tucking tail and running with their railway attacks last year. Hopefully the Brits have a little more spine. We already know they've got the upper lip for it.

Let's not forget the Poles are on our side. Viva Poland!

*Sigh* I just get so frustrated when the media starts their hand-wringing and self-blame. The idea that none of these attacks would ever have happened if we had just left the terrorists alone is ludicrous. And now they're suggesting we tear down Guantanamo Bay and pull out of Iraq because we're "stirring up resentment and increasing terrorist recruitment." And people might call us names. Apparently none of these people have read the Koran. But it's late and I'm cutting this off before it turns into a rant.

The Playground Revisited

2005-06-26T20:07:00.000-04:00

So last night with the two old roommates was a blast. We started off at a wine bar. (I swear we're not gay) We got a platter of different cheeses and crackers and some crabcakes to go with our Australian Shiraz. This was my first time at a wine bar, and I have to say I was impressed. Good food, good wine, and reasonably good service. Apparently the chef never showed up, so the waitstaff had to serve and cook at the same time. After that we went to a nice restaurant and had dinner. This was followed by a few rounds at an Irish pub down the street. The more I drink Boddingtons, the more I like it. Very creamy.
At each stop we made, the quality of the establishment took a half step down. The exception being the last bar we went to, which was a full two steps down. It was called the Red Dog, and given that that beer falls somewhere between PBR and Miller Lite, I think it was appropriately named. It had its share of bikers, some of whom cast us dark glances over the tops of their mugs as we strolled in, clad in khakis and polos. We were sitting at a table, listening to the live band struggle through some country song covers, when we decided we really really wanted to hear Sweet Home Alabama, in proper Fraternity style. So I get up and try to circle around the dance floor (the dance floor being a small space directly in front of the "stage" occupied by a half dozen drunk people more or less moving with the beat of the music) in order to talk to the band members. Well I get about half way around the floor when out of nowhere, this larger than life woman reaches out, grabs me with BOTH hands, and yanks me onto the dance floor. I was then at her mercy for the remainder of the song. All I could do was hang on for dear life and toss my friends the bird for just standing there laughing. Finally the song ended and I managed to wiggle myself free and make it to the lead singer. Naturally, they had already played that song and couldn't repeat it. Which was fair. I'm sure the drunk people at the bar who had been studiously keeping track of the songs all night would have objected to hearing Sweet Home Alabama twice. At this point, my friends, seeing I had already cleared a path through the treacherous dance floor, came up and we convinced the band to play Friends In Low Places, an equally good bar song. So everything turned out ok in the end, and the singer even gave us the microphone for a little karaoke action.
So I deem the night a success.

Holy Heat Wave

2005-06-25T14:04:00.000-04:00

... Batman!
It's friggin hot out. So I'm sitting around at home doing absolutely nothing on a Saturday. This has not happened in quite a few weeks. It's kind of exciting, really. I've been needing some personal time to myself. I've got the laundry going (which also hasn't happened in a few weeks) and i'm kicking back watching tv and surfing the web. Work has been consuming a lot of my time lately; I barely have time to squeeze in workouts and my training seminar. The hard work looks like it's going to pay off though. Hopefully this coming week I can get a few of these new accounts closed.
I have been procrastinating horribly on preparing for law school. I haven't even registered for the LSAT yet. I need to get my butt in gear, I just can't ever find the time.
On the happy side, my old roommate Ben is picking me up in a few hours and we're going over to see our other long lost roommate Joe for a guys night on the town. It has "good time" written all over it. This will be good- aside from my adventures in Orlando a few weeks back, I have had almost zero opportunities to go out drinking. Although I realize the last three out of four postings have been alcohol related, my life is not nearly as glamorous or hedonistic as my blog makes it appear. But I'm afraid if I write about the other 90% of my life, the mundane drivel, I'll bore even myself.
In an attempt to provide balance to my prose, here are some of the minutia of my life. I have decided to reteach myself how to play the piano. I used to be somewhat good when I was a kid, but haven't touched it until this year. Right now I'm just getting familiar with sight reading and getting my right hand and my left hand (never a team player) to cooperate. I managed to download some classical pieces off the internet for free. Apparently intellectual property rights hadn't been invented in Beethoven's time. I have Fur Elise down well enough that it wouldn't piss off Beethoven too bad. Mozarts's Turkish March is another story and Moonlight Sonata is giving me fits. So it's a slow process.
Given the amount of time I spend in my car, I'm giving serious consideration to satellite radio. Right now I'm weighing the benefits of XM versus Sirius.
The more immediate question is, do I finish watching Gone In 60 Seconds or go running?
Ok, that's enough on that. Until I post again.

A Fresh Start? I Doubt It.

2005-06-05T00:42:00.000-04:00

So I haven't made a post in something like a month and a half. Oops. I've been kinda busy and it's just never been convenient. Fast computer access is not easy to come by outside of my office and I'm quite sure I'd be fired if this got in the hands of my coworkers. Idiots. We finished the Hillsdale/Coldwater phone book last month (should be on the streets any day now) and I ended up ranking 4th in the office. My manager said it was one of the strongest first campaigns she'd ever seen. Which is nice and all, but I'm still not seeing the money like I had hoped. And if I'M not seeing it, I really can't see why some of the other people in this office are still here. Or how. It's not like we get paid for not selling. And speaking of not selling, I just came off of a two week dry spell. Boy did that suck. So I might be looking at a big fat zero dollar check for that. Luckily, this coming week should more than make up for that. My boss, despite my recent subpar performance, apparently has some faith in me and handed me a few sweet ass accounts to take care of.
To boost my selling skill set, a co-worker and I are taking a Dale Carnegie training course. It's kind of bizarre, but I've definitely learned a few things and it'll look great on my resume. AND I won a sweet Dale Carnegie pen in one of the speech contests. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.
Also, I finally got my lazy ass motivated and got a gym membership. And I have to say, it feels good to be working out again after an almost year long hiatus from any serious physical activity.
In other news, I've been vacationing a lot lately. Maybe that's where all my money went... I went to L.A. with Joepa to visit poor ten Haaf who is trapped out in Hollywood with all those beaches and hot famous people and no one to enjoy them with. Then I went with a bunch of roller coaster geeks down to Orlando. So on the plus side, I got in free to Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, Epcot, and MGM Studios. And got line jump passes. On the downside, I had to hear all the little details about each ride, which manufacturer made it, and why it's not as good as some other ride. These guys were like carnies, but for amusement parks.
After the rides, we checked out Orlando's crazy nightlife. Between City Walk and Pleasure Island, we had way more than our share of partying. We were sipping on some hurricanes (four ounces liquor, four ounces juice) at this one bar and got to talking to the waiter. Apparently the couple at the next table over left an almost completely full hurricane on the table, but they had dumped the orange slices from the other three drinks in it so it looked dirty to everybody. We were trying to decide if it was drinkable (at 10 bucks a drink, you have to explore all your options) and the waiter said he'd buy another hurricane for whoever would drink the 'dirty' one. Well I reached deep into my bag of frat boy tricks and promptly chugged the entire thing. This earned me not only everone's immediate respect, but one helluva buzz. That shit was strong. So by the end of my free third hurricane, I was pretty much good to go for the rest of the night.
Last weekend I flew back to Connecticut to see my parents. I hadn't seen them since October, so we had a good time catching up. We spent Saturday in New York, and I got bitched out by some drunk 'Nam Vet at the Vietnam Memorial. Apparently I wasn't showing the arbitrary level of reverence for the memorial he expected. Later that night we ate at a fantastic spanish restaurant complete with Portuguese waiters. I highly recommend the red snapper and the sangria. Especially the sangria.

As is usually the case, I have much more I could tell, but midnight is definitely bed time for me as I am rapidly becoming an old man.

2005-03-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

Well quite a bit has happened since the last post, but for the sake of brevity I'll leave out most of the details.

I went up to Toronto last weekend with a friend from work. He's a Welsh resident alien and he had a hankering for some fish 'n chips and a pint of good British bitter. And I have to say, as much as I dislike Canadians, with their "free" healthcare and silly monopoly money, Toronto is one kick ass city. The CN tower was pretty cool, and it is indeed rediculously tall. But what was great was the sheer volume of Culture. With a capital C. Granted, for a guy who went to school in Hillsdale and works in Jackson, that doesn't mean a whole lot. There were several miles of random gift shops and boutiques along the main drag. And it took us a good 20 minutes just to walk through China Town. I made my friend eat some Vietnamese "cuisine". Unfortunately, dog was not on the menu. I guess the pound was being stingy. And we didn't even make it to Little Italy or the Portuguese district. But the main attraction was, of course, the pubs. Oh, what fantastic beer. I will never look at a Miller Lite the same way again. We went to a real Irish pub where we met a Scotsman named Steve and got drunk on Boddingtons and Guinness. Um, that was basically our whole weekend. We walked around a lot and drank all the time. I can't wait to go back.

Part of why I have not posted recently is that I've been living in Coldwater. The company decided to put me and my co-worker (the same one I went to Canadia with) up in a hotel in Coldwater so we could be closer to our market and not have to drive an hour every day to get there. I guess this was kind of a compliment, since our boss trusted us to be productive and knew we could produce results. And produce we did. Not to toot my own horn, but we were the first two people in the whole office to reach our sales goal for the Hillsdale/Coldwater book. Which is a very good thing, as not everyone manages to hit their goal. We're both going down again this coming week to get a few more sales and to help out two more new people who are also going to be staying at the hotel.

I need to go pack, so that's all I've got time for.

Back In The Saddle

2005-02-07T23:09:00.000-05:00

I went running yesterday for the first time since... I think roughly Thanksgiving. And let me tell you, it was fantastic. Since I don't have access to a treadmill and the main road is completely unsafe to run on, I've been rather SOL for places to exercise. I had to wait til this muddy side road got un-snowy before I ventured out on it. And I promptly got chased by this rat-sized ankle biter that lives down the road. I may turn the tables and chase him with my car if he doesn't knock it off.

Like A Winnebago Hit-and-Run Victim

2005-01-30T21:21:00.000-05:00

Boarding at Boyne mountain was a blast. I nailed some sick nasty jumps and totally shredded the black diamond runs.

I can't back any of that up. But I managed not to break anything. And I went way faster than the little kids. Most of the little kids. Some of the little kids. OK, I was not the slowest person on the hill. But what do you expect from my once a year hobby?

And props to Megan for taking pictures of us attempting to go off jumps. I may even try to post a few of them if they aren't too embarassing.

But holy hell does my body ache! Apparently that's my body's polite way of telling me that I'm too old for this stuff. I guess I'm just not 19 any more. I'm on beer number 3, so the hurting is beginning to diminish.

I am going to find number four and sit around until bedtime. As Kip would say, "Peace out."

Napoleon Dynamite-like "Yesssss"

2005-01-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

I spent the day in Indiana stirring up new business leads. It was pretty productive. But that's not the exciting part. When I got home, there was a huge package from home sitting there for me with my beautiful snowboard enclosed. Not just the board, mind you, I'm talking pants, jacket, boots, gloves, goggles, ect. All the good stuff. Just in time, too. One phone call later and I'm spending the weekend up north boarding and drinking. Hopefully in that order.

Done and Done

2005-01-25T21:47:00.000-05:00

I just heard that my old apartment, the one I shared with Bent en Haaf, has been re-rented. That's 400 extra bucks a month I can blow on cheap commercialized shit I don't need. Yes! Oh, and Napoleon Dynamite is an amazing movie. Go see it.

Much Needed Vent Session

2005-01-09T21:07:00.000-05:00

In other, less geeky, news- my job is definitely getting better. I feel more confident and I'm starting to know what I'm talking about. I somehow even managed to get promoted. So now I'm being given much larger accounts to take care of, which means I'm dealing with a lot more money at a time.

I still hate my coworkers, though. I really, really do. They are obnoxious, uneducated, boring, avaricious, self-absorbed rubes. They are enamored with their own wit, and delight in inflicting it upon me at every chance they get. Even the most mundane comment elicts a peal (or snort) of laughter from its speaker. Now if the laughter had even the slightest musical quality to it, I could probably stand it. But not even close. Think Lois from Family Guy, and then make it more nasal.

Her: (something heinously trite and decidedly un-funny) HAR HAR HAR! SNORT!!

Me: gritting my teeth and staring hard at my desk, trying desperately not to rejoin with an acerbic remark that would, for one glorious second, shut this lady the fuck up. I manage the weakest of smiles and a vague head movement that I hope is interpreted as shared hilarity.

Welcome to my inner circle of hell. It felt good to vent, but I need to stop now before I get myself all worked up. The Monday morning meeting will come all too soon as it is.

I'm going to go practice my fake smile in the mirror.

College, Revisited

2005-01-09T20:11:00.000-05:00

I went to a friends house last night to play some video games. It turns out they have the ability to access Xbox Live for free by hooking up to it with their wireless internet laptop and plugging the Xbox into the computer. The Xbox can't tell the difference. So free internet gaming was nice. What was nicer was Halo 2 with grenade launchers and about 20 other people. Absolute mayhem. My friend even had the headset, so we got to talk trash to everyone else in the game. One kid had a voice scrambler on his to mask his voice. I told him to turn it off because I couldn't understand him and when he did, he totally had the voice of a 12 year old. A fat 12 year old. Don't ask me how I could tell. I just knew. This actually increased the pleasure I took in kicking his ass. Because really, who doesn't like beating up fat kids?

What? Oh...I'm the only one? And that's twisted and wrong? I stand corrected.

But back to my story. We were having such a good time we didn't even check the time until 6 am. When I usually wake up. So I slept til about 11 and I've felt like hell ever since. Kind of a hungover feeling. But a satisfied hungover. And I can't wait to play next week.

This Might Get Me Slapped

2005-01-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A women who won't do what she's told.

Rinse and Repeat

2005-01-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year.

I felt obligated to write that. Last night was a good, if only slightly inebriated, time. I went to Grand Rapids and had a Playground reunion with Ben and JoePa. To those of you who were victims of our drunk dialing rampage, I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. GR seems like a pretty cool place to be. I hope to make it out there a few more times.

But here we go again with a new year, the only big change for me being that I am no longer a parent-supported student. It's um... exciting. I guess. I mean it's the start of something new, and it's definitely a new chapter in this circus called real life. But man, going to work EVERY day really sucks. Class three days a week was bad enough. I'm starting to think Europe has a good thing going with their 30 hour work week. I just wanted to voice my concern about that. I still plan on being in my office at 8am Monday morning.

I'm either getting better and more efficient at my job, or I've already started to not care, but I'm finding myself getting done earlier and earlier. No more running around at 7 at night trying to get paperwork done. Now I just kind of stop working around 4:30 or 5. And I've learned that if I set my first appointment around 10am, I don't really have to do anything before then. Hello, snooze button!

Given my month-long breaks between posts, I doubt anyone checks this anymore. But that's a brief update on me. There is a glass of red wine calling my name and I'm going to go get aquainted with it.

Working for the man

2004-12-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

So I'm discovering that commission based jobs are not your average 9 to 5 routine. I am rarely home except to eat and sleep, and have almost no time to post. I'm also discovering that there is a very sharp learning curve to this job. But I did manage to find this. Enjoy.

Scratch and Sniff

2004-11-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

Today I stepped in a steamy pile of dog shit on my way to work. My day never really got better after that.

Achtung!

2004-10-27T23:57:00.000-04:00

I think that's something in German. Anyhow, check out the moon tonight. The eclipse is fantastic. That's all I've got.

Oh, and I'm going home tomorrow for my birthday to hang out the family. It'll be a nice break from this paradise of the unwashed midwest bourge.... nevermind. I just hate the midwest.

I'm Back, Bitches!

2004-10-26T22:18:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm watching Chapelle show. Ok so I'm not really back, I'm just back for right now. I make no promises for the future.

A short recap is in order. My roommate thought it would be cool to break the lease on our apartment and move back home. That was fine and good for him, but moving back home was not a good option for me. Luckily, some nearby friendly relatives have allowed me to shack up with them. I would say this is sweet because I no longer have to worry about rent, but my intellectually obtuse roommate managed to get us a special lease contract that obligates us to continue paying for our apartment (even after we pay the lease termination fee) until the unit is re-rented. I haven't quite figured out what the incentive is for the leasing agents to get our unit back on the market while they've got us by the short and curlies.

Moving on. As much fun as the climbing wall was (and you know how I dearly enjoy belaying fat kids), I recently accepted a position as a sales consultant for an advertising firm. Once again I head down the perlilous path of straight commission. I just returned from a pretty intense two week training school in louisville, Kentucky and I've started working out of my office in Jackson. It's more or less entertaining, with a few notable exceptions. Which I feel compelled to note. Notably.

First is the heinously obese man in the next room. Think the fattest man you've ever seen, then remove his neck. Kind of spherical, really. I saw him drive away from the office today in what looked like a clown car. Actually it was a really old Tercel (or some other identical compact car), but he took up fully one half of the car. I'm serious. The seat was pushed all the way back, almost to the trunk, and he sprawled well over the center console. I don't even know what else to say about it.

Second. Remember that really really annoying secretary/receptionist from Office Space? The one that kept repeating the same thing over and over? Yeah, she sits across the room from me. She may die soon.

As usual, I have way more to say than time to say it. I'm an old man now and it's past my bedtime. I don't know when I'll get to post again. Hopefully soon.

Homecoming Alumni Court

2004-09-17T01:12:00.000-04:00

Yes, it has finally happened. I'm one of "those alums" at this year's homecoming. No longer a student staring in distain at the old farts who, while I'm sure had sucessful careers, had really let themselves go since their college days. Thankfully, I have not yet let myself go, I'm simply lacking a sucessful career. But nevermind that. It's drunk tailgating and stair sledding all weekend long for me! I might even pick a fight with some townies. Or better yet, ATO's. I hear Brian 'Napoleon' Peak has yet to graduate. Maybe he needs another glass broken over his head.

The highlight of my weekend will be stalking TreyLo and his "girlfriend" around campus. I don't believe she exists and I certainly don't believe she's attractive. But I definitely plan on finding out.

In other news...no, there really is no other news. I live a trite and meaningless life.

Hurricane Who's Your Daddy? OR Hurricane Ivan-ahumpalot

2004-09-16T01:11:00.000-04:00

I couldn't decide which title I liked better, so I'm letting you choose. Vote at the end.

I am completely fed up with the obsessive coverage of hurricane Ivan. I was flipping channels today and every major news station had reduced itself to a weather nanny. We're a month and a half away from electing our president, there is massive famine/genocide in Sudan, Iran is trying to go nuclear, and (the last I checked) we're still at war. But a weather system is monopolizing every news channel? I don't care if it's the biggest hurricane in however many years; I don't care if it fucked up half of Florida and bunch of little islands; and I certainly don't care if the water level in Louisiana rises a couple of inches. It's a HURRICANE. That's what they do. Fuck things up and drop a lot of water. This is not news to people down south. These things happen every damn year. And every damn year people refuse to leave their homes and have to be forced out by national guards and rescue workers. And every damn year we drop millions of dollars in "emergency relief funds" to help these idiots rebuild their homes. Not only can these people not properly vote, apparently they don't even know how to insure their homes.

I just read an interesting article about disaster relief money and its appropriateness. Of course, it's a touchy, emotional subject that people tend not to think logically about. And I'm not saying there isn't a time and place for disaster relief. But let's look at it. Disaster insurance is available. Yes, it's expensive, and for obvious reasons. But it's still available. So these people who make the choice to live in Florida know that hurricanes tend to favor that state over... well, pretty much any other state in the union. Yet they continue to live there. Common sense would dictate that they take the necessary precautions to protect themselves against things like flooding and hurricanes. But they don't, and when disaster strikes, it's the taxpayers who end up footing the bill for their new house. Maybe you're so rich you don't care, but I can think of about a hundred others ways my money can be spent better. All of them involve me spending it rather than the government. Note to hurricane-region-dwellers: stop mooching off of us. Wow, I really sucked all the "compassionate" out of compassionate conservatism there, didn't I?

The moral of this story is that is common sense is really not all that common.

So I implore the news stations to let the hurricane story go. We don't need live coverage of a reporter getting blown around in a rain jacket trying to estimate the velocity/size/duration/emotional state of the hurricane. Just tell us when it's gone and what all it broke. Get back to the real news. But for the sake of all that is good and right, not one more leftist story about Abu Ghraib, the malicious intent of the Swift Boat Vets, or the legitimacy of the Bush military record scandal. I just can't handle it anymore. But that's a rant for another day.

On a more personal note, I've been having a hell of a time getting to sleep at night. Last night I finally fell asleep around 4am. That has not been doing good things for my body. So here goes another try.

Addendum

2004-09-11T02:42:00.000-04:00

So the climbing trip has officially been canceled. Everyone except myself and my boss bailed, driving the cost of gas way up. And hurricane (insert stupid name here) has created a fairly unpleasant weather system around kentucky. This leaves me with two days off of work and no place to go... Which would explain why I am kind of drunk right now. I just thought I would take this opportunity to bitch and moan about not being able to go climb. I am now impotently shaking my fist at mother nature for her callous abuse of my free time. And before any of you wiseasses say something, my fist is indeed the only thing being shaken around impotently.

That's all I got.

Hola Amigos, I Know It's Been A While Since I Rapped At Ya.

2004-09-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

Ok I can only think of about one person who will laugh at my title. And dammit Will, you'd better laugh.

So I realize that it's been about a month and a half since I last posted. I'm sure all my loyal readers (meaning like three people) have given up and gone on to reading other blogs. Well I apologize. My computer is an obstinate sonofabitch and promptly crashed every time I tried to sign in. I just now got it working. Why not use the library computers? you might wonder. I thought you would never ask. Because the library computer room is full of creepy middle age D&D fanatics who live in their parents basement. Oh, and let's not forget the little foreign kids who can't read the "no talking" sign in the computer lab. Add to that the crazy fat black woman singing to herself with headphones on and you have got one sweet place to hang out. Is this something other people experience when they go to the library, or did I somehow land myself in a black hole of things-that-piss-me-off?

But I digress. From what, I am not sure. But back to the main point, whatever it was supposed to be. Lansing is turning out to be ok. Not great, mind you, but ok. The climbing wall job has its ups and downs. Ups: getting in touch with climbers and discounts on all the gear. I'm leaving again for Kentucky on Saturday to go climbing with my boss and some of his friends. I'm hoping to lead a few climbs, which is way scary because of the bigger fall potential. But more of a rush, so that kind of balances it out. Downs: having to babysit stupid kids who are only climbing because their parents made them. I had this fat little bastard who took forever to go up the easy wall because every five feet he'd "get tired" and just let go of the wall. No warning, no visible effort; he's just let go. And he's boring to watch, so of course I'm not paying attention. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of wearing a belaying harness before, the effect of a fat kid jumping like that is similar to being kicked in the nuts. Kicked in the nuts every five feet for the next forty seven feet. I figure, at this rate, I've got about 4, maybe 5 months of fertility left. If that kid ever comes back, I'm going to leave enough slack in his rope that he'll piss his pants next time he lets go.

I have a lot more to talk about, but I'm going to end this post now. Partly because it's a nice sunny day out and I want to go running before work. But mostly because I distrust the evil spirits that inhabit my computer and I'm afraid it's going to crash soon.

Career Move

2004-07-29T21:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, not so much 'career move' as 'part time job.' I have officially been hired on to the Galyan's wall climbing team, pending the results of my drug test. (Let's hope my brief stint with LSD in middle school doesn't show up) I just got back from a grassroots Republican meeting where I met a ton of people running for office that need some help. Which was sweet. I talked with two potential state reps, a county commisser, and a state prosecutor. Now I just have to see who calls me back. But everyone seemed impressed with my Hillsdale degree. As they should be. One of the state reps said she'd hire me to walk around the neighborhood and knock on doors for like 300 bucks a week. Which isn't great money, but it's 300 more than I'm making now. AND I have a one day assignment to canvass a neighborhood on monday... for 100 bucks. One day, 100 bills. That's more than I've made all summer. That's even more than I was making back in my pimpin' days.

So that's what's new with me jobwise. The owners of my apartment decided to repave the entire complex, even though the parking lots really weren't that bad. And, of course, they're using state-of-the-art government union workers, so they should finish the job just before the ground freezes. And while the parking lots are closed off, there is a giant mess of cars crammed on all of the side streets and any free space they can find. I've decided I'm going to build a ramp over the curb and park my car on the grass next to the back door. That'll show 'em.

As a side note, I can't tell if this Heineken I'm drinking is skunked or not. I mean it's kind of old, but Heineken tastes kind of strange even when it's fresh. I'm really not that big a fan of it, but it was just sitting in the fridge all by itself.... I couldn't help myself. Anyhow, if you know how long it takes for a beer to skunk, let me know. Just in case I find any more of these lurking in the back of my fridge.

I saw a Kerry ad on television yesterday (Purely on accident-I couldn't reach the remote in time). It made me want to punch something. I listened to the ad and, as far as I could tell, not a single word he said was factually true. This absurd spin attempt to make himself out as a moderate is just not believable. I mean... COME ON! THE most liberal senator telling us he stands for traditional, mainstream American values? That's like Charleton Heston showing up to a gay civil rights parade.

Anyone with half a brain (which leaves out the Green party and most of California- with all its girlie men) is going to do a double take. But so far everyone seems to be buying it. At least all the major news networks and newspapers are, like NBC, CNN, MSNBC, and The New York Times, all of which somehow remind me of the Green party and California...

But as much as these politicians frustrate and infuriate me, that's where I think I'd like to end up. I am really unimpressed with all the local political events I've been to. I have no desire to run for county commission or any of these other small offices. They just don't seem to have any real power, but they still have to go around and kiss everyone's ass. If I have to brown nose with people, I at least want it to be worth my while. So I need to figure out how to jump straight to the Senate or Congress without dicking around in local politics. I could really use some mafia friends right about now...

I can't believe I'm still drinking this Heineken. It really doesn't taste good. Kind of flat. Yeah... I'm done with it. Anyone want a flat, slightly warm half-full beer?

I'm really stoked about the Bourne Supremacy. The book was fantastic and I really liked the Bourne Identity. I just need someone to go see it with. I refuse to stoop to seeing it by myself. But Ben is home for a while and I have not yet made any friends here. This is partly my fault for not being social, and partly due to the fact that the majority of people in this neighborhood are chinamen or aspiring terrorists. Neither of which are terribly gregarious.

Oh, speaking of foreigners. I went to the community weight room today for the first time in like two weeks and someone had taken the brown marker used to reserve the treadmill and scribbled chinese characters all over one of the walls! I'm assuming it's chinese because there is just no way I can tell it apart from korean/japanese/vietnamese/siamese/any other kind of -ese you can think of. Hell, I can't even tell my Cantonese from my Mandarin. Man am I culturally ignorant. You know what, I should go learn whatever language is graffitied on the wall in order to make these immigrants feel more at home. Can't they even break the law in English?? Here's the worst part: I'm guessing they were kids. The writing was kind of low down and I expect more than that from adults, even foreign ones. Which means these kids are NOT assimilating! They are not being Americanized. When they swarm the pool in the afternoons, I don't hear any English. Just a cacaphony of shrill oriental noises that sounds like a yard of pissed off cats. Hot Damn, I'm going to jail for bigotry! Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. Ok I'm done for now.

Mexican't

2004-07-22T16:19:00.000-04:00

I just read a very insightful article about the vast influx of Hispanic immigrants and their inability, or refusal, to assimilate. Some of the statistics the author threw out there were both depressing and frightening. Maybe this post should be titled "The Mexican Horde." With all due respect to fully assimilated, fuctional, productive Hispanic citizens, Hispanics are fucking rediculous. You want to see a "wretched hive of scum and villany"? Check out some Mexican or Puerto Rican barrios in big cities out in California and Arizona.

Gangs recruit kids at the age of 9. And the 9 year olds accept the offer so they can go to school without getting killed. Not that they're much safer once they get inside the schoolyard. Girls start pumping out babies like it's cool, usually around the mature age of 15 or 16. And gang members treat homicide like we treat jaywalking. Gang investigators compare the situation of rival gangs to that of the Balkans. To take a line from Bad Boys II, they're just a bunch of "crazy gangbanger homies."

The majority of Hispanics in these urban communities are way too busy drug running and making baby Hispanics to bother with school. 48% of Hispanics don't graduate...ninth grade.

And they're spreading. The article listed them as the largest immigrant class in America. Mexicans account for 30% of foreign-born persons in the U.S., just barely keeping ahead of the Chinese, who hover right around 5%.

And they don't even like American or Americans! They're still pissed because we "stole" all of the southwestern land from Mexico several hundred years ago. That is even more ludicrous than black people demanding reparations. But now they're trying to take it all back by depressing property value so badly that everyone else moves away.

A quick side note, my favorite gang names are Brown Pride and Wetback Power. The self parody just sounds like something from Southpark. Anyhow, read the article if you've got a few minutes. Count the number of times the article says "illegal immigrant." It will make you think twice about immigration reform policy.

Litmus Test

2004-07-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

This quiz will tell you, once and for all, if you are a true bleeding heart liberal Democrat.

Secret Agent

2004-07-21T14:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I woke up with my pants on backwards laying in a huge wet spot.

Let me back up a few hours. Monday night Ben approached me with a bottle of wine and suggested we have a few drinks. Mostly because we were so damn bored. I was just playing video games, so I figured why not. Well, any of you that have partied with Ben before know how seriously he takes his drinking. This guy is a machine. Between the two of us we put down three and a half bottles of wine, a third of a fifth of vodka, and a shot of Sambuca.

After playing Spinter Cell all day, I managed to convince my drunk self that I was, in fact, a secret agent. I spent the next few hours running around the apartment trying to convince Ben that I worked for the government. I think I could have convinced him, had I been able to stand up straight and not slur my words. In a desperate attempt to to prove to Ben that I was a clandestine warrior, or simply in response to a perceived terrorist threat (I'm still not sure which one), I ran out of our apartment, down the stairs, and proceeded to execute evasive maneuvers all over the back yard and parking lot. I was, of course, attired in proper secret agent gear, which included nothing more than a pair of gym shorts. I don't know if our neighbors witnessed this or not, but if they did, I'm sure they were able to sleep soundly that night, knowing the property was well guarded.

Once I decided I had scared off all the bad guys, or just forgot where I was and what I was doing, I realized I hadn't brought any keys with me and was very much locked out. So I had to run all the way around to the front of the building and lean on the buzzer until Ben remembered I was outside and let me in.

All this activity exhausted me so I sat down on my bed with a new drink (courtesy of Ben) and didn't move for a while. Ben came in and saw that my cup was tilted and I was spilling some of my drink on the bed. He pointed this out and I said "I don't care!" and threw my hands up in the air. Well, one of my hands was still holding the drink, and I dumped it all over my bed.

I can't really explain why my shorts were on backwards, but I'm guessing I took them off because they were wet, but forgot and put them back on the wrong way.

This is how I found myself Tuesday morning, shorts on backwards in a wet bed, still quite legally drunk. If any of you are brave enough to come hang out with Ben and I, you are more than welcome to. But I recommend you bring a change of clothes and your drinking helmet. Remember, the abuse of alcohol is not for everyone, and should only be conducted under the supervision of an expert. Like Ben.

Get In My Belly!

2004-07-16T18:55:00.000-04:00

It's time to freak out... and then run to McDonalds!

Obesity has just been declared a disease. This means you are no longer responsible for that huge spare tire protruding from your midsection. Bitch tits, cottage cheese, badunkadunks, and cankles are all caused by some weird virus and you deserve taxpayer funded treatment. Out of breath after hauling 300 pounds up a single flight of stairs? You'd better take a break to call your insurance agency to let them know you have a disease! And then sue the building owners for not having an elevator.

"The decision by Medicare recognizes that obesity is not simply a cosmetic issue," AOA president Richard Atkinson said. "It is a disease in its own right. In fact, obesity is the most prevalent, fatal, chronic disease of the 21st century."

There you have it, straight from the horse's ass. Obesity is not a superficial cosmetic issue. It's much deeper than that. It comes from a dark, evil force called... gluttony. That's right you fat fucks, welcome to your favorite deadly sin. Your lack of willpower means you can't see your dick when you look down.

So now Medicare is trying to decide what kind of treatments to fund for American heavy hitters.
I think Medicare should buy you a treadmill.

If bars are supposed to cut you off after you've had too much and are obviously drunk, shouldn't restaurants be prohibited from serving you if you're obviously obese? "Whoa there big fella, hows about you come back when your body actually needs some food? I'll call you a cab. On second thought, you should probably just walk it off."

I can't wait to see insurance policies skyrocket as companies struggle to pay for fat treatment. Personally, I'm disgusted. And not just with the ruling. With fat people, too. When I'm in charge, I will make it a Federal crime to appear in public with too high of a visible body fat to clothing ratio. That's pretty much the only plank I'm running on, but I think it could work. Let me know if I can count on your vote.

Darwinism

2004-07-15T21:14:00.000-04:00

My Role Model

2004-07-15T20:54:00.000-04:00

Bad Aim

2004-07-14T19:46:00.000-04:00

Never ever carry your gun tucked in the front of your pants. It's just begging for trouble, as this drunk idiot found out.

France

2004-07-14T15:30:00.000-04:00

Commie Rant

2004-07-14T13:10:00.000-04:00

This is a quote from a freedom fighter at a socialist A.N.S.W.E.R. rally.

--I hate to point out that the Constitution itself sucks; there's a lot wrong with it. There's no right to healthcare, no right to education, no right to jobs, none of that is in there. Racism, anti-gay bigotry, none of that is outlawed by the Constitution. Those are the things that need to be in a real peoples' constitution. It's important to point out because we keep defending the Constitution, but it's a Constitution that's extremely weak and does not represent what people need. And when we defend the Constitution we have to go one step further and say "this is what a real constitution should look like."--

Other thoughts from this rally; We should leave Cuba alone, and North Korea is cool.

I can't even think of a reply to this. My mind is just... baffled.

Kerry is Done

2004-07-13T20:16:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here at Ben's lake house, exhausted after a hard (and painful) day of learning how to jetski, and I come across this article on the internet where Kerry admits, actually admits, he is against the War in Iraq. Even though he and Edwards both voted for it. So if he is elected, does he plan on the immediate withdrawl of American troops from Iraq? Does he expect the vote of the 100,000 troops over there and their families?

Anyhow, read the article. It's hilarious. Here's an excerpt from it.

--He and John Edwards were reduced to advancing a headshaking argument on "60 Minutes" to explain why they were right to vote to authorize the Iraq war and why they are right to criticize George W. Bush's supposed "failure" to build international support for that war.

If President Bush had had greater success in building international support for the war in Iraq, they said in unison on Sunday night, "we would have found out" that Saddam Hussein did not have stockpiles of banned weapons.

Try to follow the twisted logic here. Kerry and Edwards say, if we'd done better building a coalition to go to war with us, we would have somehow magically discerned that Saddam didn't have WMD and therefore we wouldn't have had to go to war at all.--

Even though the French, Germans, and the Russians all thought that Saddam had WMD and was plotting terrorist activities. But let's see if the news networks do more than mention this revelation in passing, if that. Here's the link

Here's the story of a courageous student who took on the leftist indoctrination at his high school. It's... entertaining. ProtestWarrior

My body hurts so I'm going to go relax with some pain killers and alcohol.

Someone's Got A Case of the Mondays

2004-07-12T12:19:00.000-04:00

Yeah, Monday can blow me. I am not ready to face this week or the interviews with restaurants that I will soon be having. I am just not ok with this.

So, instead, I'm going to Ben's house to ride around on his jet ski and speed boat. And, just so no one thinks I'm out there for pleasure, I'm going to get applications from everyone who is hiring in the Grand Rapids area. Maybe we can blow this popsicle stand and go where the real money is. And by 'real money' I mean 'free rent.'

If you ever think you're having a bad day on the job, watch this to see what screwing up really looks like.

And have a wonderful Monday.

Queer Eye for the Democratic Guy

2004-07-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

Stop fondling each other! These supposedly heterosexual politicians are out to set some kind of record for the most public displays of affection ever performed by any presidential nominee and his lackey. I'm not sure there are any real "winners" in this competition.

This friendly campaign strategy is best portrayed in this collage of cuddling . Check it out.

In other news, I dared to venture out to another church this morning. It was a typical Presbyterian service, stodgy with lots of old people. While this pastor was at least a man, he had a disturbing resemblance to Elton John crossed with a televangelist. Not exactly the mix I was looking for at 10:00am on a Sunday. The associate pastor was this asian dude who did not speak very good English. And if there is one thing that makes it hard to focus on worship, it's not being able to understand the worship leader. I looked up his name and I thought it was kind of confusing. Woong-Sik Timothy Chon. It made me wonder what name he usually goes by. Woong-Sik? A little awkward. Just Sik? Sounds like a gang name. "What's up Sik dawg?" I finally decided he probably introduces himself "Some call me...Tim", a la Monty Python.

I have come to the somber conclusion that no one, in fact, will hire me to work at their law firm until I go to law school. Which means the past two months of applying to and researching law firms was a total and complete waste of time and money. Dammit! I am now considering a career in the lucrative, but not necessarily illustrious, field of waiting tables. This way I can at least pay my bills and not be a drain on other people. Hopefully law school will be in my near future; I'm making tentative plans on going next fall. Now I have to figure out how to pay for it.

A final sobering thought- yet another one of my friends succumbed to the power of the ring and got engaged. To borrow from Old School, I want to be the first to say congratulations to you. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Chris. Way to work it through.

R.I.P. Suykerbuyk

Hildabeast

2004-07-10T23:36:00.000-04:00

She's just so... hideous.

In Other's Words

2004-07-08T13:13:00.000-04:00

Here are a few telling remarks I came across today.

"We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
-Hillary Clinton

"We will carry on our jihad against the Western infidel and the Arab apostate until Islamic rule is back on earth."
-Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

"We've got better vision, better ideas, real plans. We've got a better sense of what is happening to America - and we've got better hair."
- John Kerry

All three of these terrorists are out of their minds and need to be stopped. The Hildabeast for obvious reasons. She thinks Marx and Lenin are cool. Kerry is just an idiot. He is the number one most liberal man in the Senate and Edwards is close behind at number four. How can two of the most liberal leaning people in the government possibly think they have a better vision of what America really wants? I'm stumped.

Well, it's 1:30 and once again I've managed to do absolutely nothing. I'm becoming frustrated with my own laziness. Before any more time goes by, I'm going to go running and call some potential employers. The fact that they all remain potential employers and not actual employers is also frustrating me. I've been hearing "no" much more often than I'm accustomed to.

Much On My Mind

2004-07-07T00:25:00.000-04:00

Due to some technical difficulties and a less than stellar performance by our internet company, I've been unable to post for a while. Now I have so much to say that I've decided to break it up into short segments so no one gets intimidated by one huge neverending post.

So far the job search has been a total biatch. Maybe what I want to do isn't an actual job field and no one will ever hire someone like me for a position like the one I'm looking for. Which I guess is fine, I'll just suck it up and go to law school. But it makes me feel like I just wasted half my summer and a shit ton of money for naught. I spent all weekend down in Cleveland and I plan on leaving tomorrow to go hang out at Ben's house on the lake where I can focus my energy on more positive things like jet skiing and drinking on the boat. Screw employment. A few more weeks and I can start collecting welfare checks. Haha suckers, I'm taking your money.

So The Poodle (I love that nickname) finally picked Edwards as a running mate. This is good for the sole reason that Hillary, or The Hildabeast, got totally screwed. If Kerry wins, she won't be able to run for president for at least eight years. And after Kerry is out, Edwards will most likely use his VP status to run for Pres, meaning the Hildabeast will be left fuming on the sidelines, unable to even get Democrats to pay attention to her. Of course, if Kerry does win, then everyone else get totally screwed. More taxes and more terrorists are two of his platform planks. Check this . Kerry doesn't even like Edwards. When they were competing for the Dem nomination, Kerry ridiculed Edwards for his severe lack of experience in just about every aspect of political importance. I don't know who this is more embarassing for- Kerry for resorting to someone he thinks sucks, or Edwards for tagging along with someone who openly mocks him. The real kicker is that McCain, Kerry's first choice, is now supporting Bush and is going to be in one of his television ads.

Well I'm tired and I know it will feel good to finally sleep in my own bed. I'll finish this later.

Rodney King Lite

2004-06-24T23:06:00.000-04:00

This is fantastic.

Kept down by The Man.

Only in Los Angeles would black people and civil rights activists scream discrimination because a Hispanic cop beat a black guy. Can they still get upset about minority on minority violence? Police officers haven't even figured out what, exactly, was going on to make the cop beat the black guy. Everyone just assumes it's police brutality and they are already comparing it to the Rodney King episode. Nevermind the fact that the first three officers at the scene were themselves either black or hispanic. I'm sure if the black guy had stopped running when the police told him to there would be none of this flashlight whipping going on. There, I said it. It's the black guys fault. STOP RUNNING FROM THE POLICE! Especially the LAPD. They aren't nice people and cops hate it when criminals make them exercise.

I can't wait to see how this 'minority rights violation' unfolds.

Judicial Enlargement

2004-06-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

This guy really knows how to multitask. Judge caught in court room with cockpump.

The Real Portrait

2004-06-23T23:29:00.000-04:00

oral office antics.

Warning: Ethnic Stereotype

2004-06-23T23:07:00.000-04:00

Chinese carryout gives a whole new meaning to the term 'doggie bag.'

Jabberwocky

2004-06-23T00:56:00.000-04:00

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought.
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came wiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Best poem ever.

Mental Constipation

2004-06-19T18:22:00.000-04:00

I think I confused the librarian the other day when I checked out both "The Official Handbook of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy" and "The I Hate Republicans Reader- Why the G.O.P. is Totally Wrong About Everything." My political stance must have come across as more ambiguous than Kerry's. I haven't started reading the second book yet; not only will I have to be in a really good mood to handle it, but I'll have to be pretty drunk for some of the arguments to make sense. Just so you get an idea of what the book entails, the first chapter was written by Michael Moore. (Who, by the way, should be exported to France)

The first book, however, is great. It's designed as a quick reference guide for rebutting leftist arguments. It covers just about every topic they harp on, from welfare, publik edecashion, and gun control to the U.N., military policy, and profiling.

So if you're a liberal and you're reading this, please please please offer up your favorite political argument to be sacrificed on the alter of truth. I'm itching to flex my newfound rhetorical muscle.

One of my favorite quotes is on affirmative action and what would happen if we switched affirmative action and meritocracy in our society. The author addresses liberals; "Would you be willing to fly as a passenger on Affirmative Action Airlines? Welcome! At this wonderful new airline, minorities can qualify as pilots by passing a series of tests much easier than those white pilots must take. We've done this to ensure that a socially desirable percentage of our pilots are minorities. Step on board!"

Anyhow, some of these arguments put forward by liberal thinkers give me mental constipation. I mean, are they saying these things just to be difficult, or do they actually believe them? This is like trying to argue with a third grader. I can't wait until I have political power of my own so I can dispense liberal doses of truth and common sense to those in desperate need it.

I'm going to go running and try to work off some frustration. Apparently 'being tolerant of stupid people' isn't one of my strong suits. But you already knew that.

Swim Fiend

2004-06-19T03:09:00.000-04:00

I just watched the worst movie- ever. Swim fan lacked even the basic elements of plot development or character depth. Every scene was so predictable, it was as if I had writeen the script for it myself. The only thing that made this movie tolerable- besides an aquatic sex scene- was a copious amount of Southern Comfort mixed in with my lime coke. And even then it was wretched.

That "movie" drained my will to live and I can write no more.

Money Can't Buy Happiness

2004-06-17T17:31:00.000-04:00

Whoever said that just didn't know where to look. Because, for a few blissful moments, I bought happiness. And for the reasonable price of only 4 dollars.

Now I know what you're thinking, and no, it was not a 5 dollar hooker with my "20% off Thursdays" coupon. This particular form of goodness came from Taco Bell and a gas station.

I was sitting in the library today, researching the art of writing cover letters, bored out of my mind, when the first pangs of hunger hit. Not one to deny an empty stomach, I sprinted out of that musty dungeon as quickly as I could without incurring the wrath of the wizened old librarian, or Keeper of the Great Bound Scrolls, as she insisted I call her, who was sitting at the front desk.

From Taco Hell I purchased two delicious Supreme Chalupas, of which every bite was a treat. From the gas station I got the brand new lime flavored diet coke. And while I am usually skeptical of anything diet (as far as I'm concerned, the only thing they take out is flavor), I have to say the refreshing burst of lime was nothing short of a party in my mouth. It is a vast improvement over the lemon flavored coke, which is mediocre at best, or even the Pepsi twist.

Needless to say, it was one of the better meals I've enjoyed in the past few weeks.

To top that off, I discovered today that the AC in my car really does work, despite the mechanic's insistence that I replace the $700 part he claimed was broken. I have a strong urge to rip that part out and club the grease monkey over the head with it until he admits that it does, in fact, work quite well.

I can't believe that S.O.B. tried to screw me over like that. Apparently he doesn't know who I am.

I've got more to say, but I think I'll take a break to go lift and eat dinner. I suggest you do the same.

Poor Taste

2004-06-15T23:20:00.000-04:00

Q: What's the difference between a bachelor party and a bulimic party?

A: At the bachelor party, the girl jumps out of the cake.

Religious Destitution

2004-06-13T11:57:00.000-04:00

So I got my ass out of bed this morning and went church shopping. There's a Community Church just down the road, so I figured I'd try that one first. I thought I had seen a sign advertising 1100 worship, but I called them just to be sure. Apparently they had just changed it that week to their 'summer schedule' which meant church started at 1000. Not 1100. I found this out at 0930. I managed to shower, dress, eat, and get there without being noticeably late.

Things just went downhill from there. Allow me to recap.

The lady behind me dropped her baby against my pew, causing the baby almost as much discomfort as his irate screaming caused me. Seriously lady, if you're going to go dropping your baby in church, put a friggin helmet on him.

Then I looked at the bulletin and found out that today, rather than have a normal sermon, they dedicated the ENTIRE service to praise and recognition of their choir and various singing groups. So of course the little kids choir came to the front, and the congregation had to sit through a painful episode of a middle aged, kind of creepy looking guy in a short sleeve button down shirt with a tie (Think Tom "Jump to Conclusions" Symkowski from Office Space) trying to get these kids to participate in some songs.

There was a brief interlude where everyone stood up to greet the people around them and some older lady reached out to shake my hand. Let me help you envision this handshake. Take a mound of ground chuck, mold it into a fat hand, microwave it to room temperature, and then give it a good squeeze. There was no shaking on her part, either. She just held it there.

I took a quick peek at their songbook (not the Hymnal) to see what contemporary songs they had. I recognized maybe two of them. One that I definitely had not seen before was "Lord, make us a Eucharistic people." Who sings that?

Next we were treated to the choir director, an extremely artsy woman, come up and give a warm, touching, slightly teary-eyed speech about how much the choir meant to her and blah blah blah. I wanted to vomit my Wheaties on the squealing baby behind me.

To their credit, the choir wasn't bad, but every song they performed was introduced by a lengthy speech given by various members of the choir about how much the choir director meant to them. If the pew had been less uncomfortable, I'm sure I could have had a wonderful nap.

So after an hour and a half of this we're finally dismissed. I book it to the door only to get stuck in a line of people wanted to shake the pastor's hand. No big deal, I thought, I'll say hi to him and maybe see what he's like. I get to the end of the line, and lo and behold, there's a chick standing in the pastors place! Startled, I mumbled something I hope was appropriate, quickly shook her hand (not quite as bad as the previous shake) and exited stage left.

I checked the bulletin on my way out just to be sure. Yep, there was no doubt that this church was run by a she-preacher. It even said so on the big sign outside the church. Considering the church was Methodist affiliated, maybe I should have seen that one coming.

So scratch that catastrophe off the list. Hopefully I'll have a better go at it next week. From now on I'm just going to call the church ahead of time and ask them straight out if their pastor has a penis.

Expand Your Horizons

2004-06-12T00:13:00.000-04:00

There's just something really funny about a guy abusing the fact that the statue can't look away.

Friday Night and I'm all Alone...

2004-06-11T23:17:00.000-04:00

... and making the most of it. I just watched The Untouchables, which was badass. So I was pulling my food out of the oven and totally burned my hand on the side of the oven. Right next to my old scar. So now I'll have two parallel scars. Bitchin! Call me Scarhand.

Half a bottle of cheap wine later, I'm having a blast.

Ladies, I'm just two people short of a threesome.

Anyhow, I'm going to keep poking around the web for entertaining things to post. BTW, you have no idea how long it took me to write this without making any mistakes. Typign durnk isa bichs!

Ethnic Profiling

2004-06-11T23:02:00.000-04:00

I'm not saying it's right, just that it's funny.

Watch For 'Celebrity Jeopardy' Reference

2004-06-10T13:09:00.000-04:00

It's gray and rainy out and I've done nothing but sit on my keister all day and surf the web. Ben tells me he's jealous, but I'm about to get a bed sore on my ass.

After a four year seclusion in the black hole of Hillsdale, I'm rediscovering my taste for politics. More so now than before, since I have a greater knowledge of world events and the mental acuity to cry 'B.S!' when I hear it. That, and I can actually vote now.

Too bad voting is for old people. Right Dan?

Anyhow, I'm enjoying reading about how all the democrats and liberals are lying through their teeth saying how much they loved Reagan. And I think it's hilarious that Clinton wasn't invited to speak at the funeral and he's pissed off about it. Former Presidents, Prime Ministers, and other dignitaries from a good twenty different countries have been invited, but Clinton and Carter have not. "Suck it, Trebeck."

Old School Reagan speech.

No More Pandering

2004-06-10T01:44:00.000-04:00

"When are we going to stop pandering to France? Does France belong at the G8 conference? Does France really make a difference in world affairs? If, as some claim, we are really a family of nations, then France is the mildly-retarded younger sister that just needs to be taken care of, not paid attention to."

-Drudge Report

Frogs

2004-06-08T00:22:00.000-04:00

I think a little humor is in order after my last few posts.

Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. You have a gun, but only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the Frenchman twice.

Q: What do you do if you see 59 million dead Frenchmen?
A. Stop laughing and re-load!!

During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead French man In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks In front of the skunk.

Sons of Bitches

2004-06-07T23:50:00.000-04:00

So we all know that the media is having a field day showing off all the prisoner abuse pictures and making America look like the bad guy. To remedy this, I think for every picture they show, the should also have to show this video. This is seriously fucked up. It made me remember why I hate Arabs so damn much.

More on I-Rak

2004-06-07T23:21:00.000-04:00

This post makes some excellent points against all the pants-wetting douches up in arms about the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuses. I just cut and pasted the majority of it here:

1. A picture is worth a 1000 words, 999 of which are created in the mind of the viewer completely free from context and accurate information that surrounded the scene captured by the photographer.

2. Hearing various politicians comparing the incident to Dachau and other concentration camps is ridiculous. There is a difference between humiliation and the gas chamber. There is a difference between shame (even in the "proud" Arab culture) and medical experimentation. There is a difference between a bunch of dumb 18-25 year-olds participating in frat house behavior and a concentrated extermination of a race or enemy.

3. Bush should not have apologized. I am still waiting for an apology for the following acts of violence and war against Americans: Khobar Towers, USS Cole, 9/11...and all the other acts of undeserved violence on civilians in the past 15 or more years.

4. Truman never apologized for Hiroshima and Nagasaki. FDR never apologized for Dresden and all the other bombings of German civilian targets. Clinton never apologized...for anything. To anyone.

5. They hated us before the incident. They hate us now. Who cares what they think? Those who want to hate will always find an excuse.

6. The military has been actively pursuing and investigating this on their own. Arrests and reports of the incidents occurred as early as January and March. It wasn't until the photos surfaced recently that everyone freaked out.

7. The incidents of rape, murder, and other criminal activity by the US soldiers are being prosecuted, will be prosecuted and should be prosecuted. It has always been this way. Something like 500 US soldiers were basically hung during WW2 in Europe for similar criminal behavior.

8. It's not as if the prisoners were just average innocent Iraqis dragged off the street. 95 percent of the "detainees" are terrorists, insurgents and other people actively looking to kill and destroy American troops. You know darn well that many of them were on the giving end of some serious torture just a few years ago. Shame is not torture.

9. One Iraqi prisoner who claims he was abused basically said this: I was treated well by the US soldiers until I participated in a beating of another Iraqi who was put in charge in the prison. Then we were humiliated as was shown in the photos. I'd like restitution from the United States. I wouldn't turn down the offer of moving to the U.S.

10. The photos are: shameful, indications of something we don' know the whole context or story of, not likely the tip of the iceberg, frat-house in appearance, disgusting. They are not (except for the photos showing a prisoner beaten to death): torture, concentration camps, and the end of all things. Being beaten to death is torture. Nude photos are not.

Rush made an interesting point: if we had photos of what the people who jumped out of the World Trade center and smashed into the ground looked like, would we still feel such compassion for our enemy? If we had photos of the sailors on the USS Cole who were killed, would we still feel concern over a naked man with woman's underwear on his head? Strangely enough, we did have photos of four men killed, butchered and burned at Fallujah, and the reaction among some was...mercenaries deserve it, pity the Iraqis. The San Francisco Chronicle showed a photo of Palestinians watching Bush on TV as a photo to accompany this most recent story.

A photograph is the most dangerous weapon. The pen is mightier than the sword, but a photo is mightier than the pen. All it takes is one photo to turn a fickle nation and hypocritical politicians into back-stabbing partisan opportunists. A photo captures a moment in time, making hash of the proper context and story surrounding it.

Sometimes it makes a person want to drop a daisy-cutter on the whole mess and start over. Shall we resurrect Truman?

I-RAK

2004-06-07T23:10:00.000-04:00

Just some good photos taken of Iraq. You can tell how much the natives hate having us there...

On Reagan

2004-06-06T20:22:00.000-04:00

Warm, compassionate Liberals voicing their sorrow over Reagan's passing:

Can you believe this?

Night Rider Strikes Back

2004-06-06T18:12:00.000-04:00

I was watching VH1 today and I saw something awful. Apparently, in what one commentator called an 'innovative form of career suicide', rapper Ice T

is joining forces with David Hasselhoff

to make a duet album. In what drug-induced alternate reality did this seem like a good idea to Ice T? I'm not sure I want to know.

Walk of Shame

2004-06-06T12:08:00.000-04:00

Here's a summary of my Saturday. I spent most of the day sitting by the pool, too stubborn/lazy to use sunscreen. I must have some hidden masochistic desire to give myself skin cancer because I always sit in the sun too long and burn myself. Then Ben and JoePa joined me with some um, beverages. Which made sitting poolside infinitely more entertaining.

This may sound idyllic to you, but let me take a minute to explain why this was not so. Saturday afternoon the pool, normally quiet and deserted, became INSANELY loud and crowded with small children. Not just any children, mind you, but Asian children, screaming in Cantonese or Mandarin or whatever label you want to put on their gibberish. They managed to soak not only my book, but my pretzels too! And that's where I draw the line. Even worse, there were maybe four adults at the pool to keep an eye on the little bastards, so it was total anarchy.

So we go back inside, have a few more drinks, and call a cab to take us down to the bars. We go bar hopping, ect. It's fun. Being the old men that we are, we got tired early and figured it was time to go home. But in order to make the cab fare less, we decided to walk part of the way and call a cab when we got tired of walking. First we stopped at the Michigan State Sigma Chi house. What a dump. We stopped for breakfast at IHOP, and it was delicious. Then we found out that it would take approximately an hour for the cab to get us. An HOUR! F that. So we started walking again. We weren't really sure how long, exactly, it was back to our apartment...

FIVE POINT SIX MILES later, we finally made it home. Naturally, we had all worn sandals. Joe and Ben have blisters on their feet and mine are sore as hell. We didn't get to bed til almost 4. But we had a blast and can't wait to do it again.

We didn't do anything today, except eat pizza and sleep in front of the tv. Who knows what tomorrow brings.

UV Overdose

2004-06-05T00:44:00.000-04:00

I was about to begin this post with "So, it's late and I'm still up...", but then I looked at the clock and realized it's not even 1am. Clearly I'm getting old. On a friday night, no less. Damn. I sat outside most of the afternoon, and now my chest and arms are bright red. No, not pink. Red. Like I'm some kind of lobster. I can't wait til it starts to hurt.

I won't lie; I have nothing important to write. Anything after this, and possibly everything before, is me writing simply for writing's sake, and not for any specific reason. I might even start to bore myself.

Speaking of bore (well, sort of), I've been perusing Neal Boortz website. Now this guy I like. And not just because he spells his name with an 'a'. So much honesty and wit... The man could take on the entire Democratic Party by himself and not lose a single argument.

Well... that's it. I'm going to bed. And I don't sleep to dream.

Until next time, I remain. (Yes, Will, I went there)

I am Caesar

2004-06-05T00:42:00.000-04:00

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."

I thought I was your snackpack

2004-06-04T11:13:00.000-04:00

I just watched Billy Madison for the second time in a row. I consider it time well spent. A few highlights:

"Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control."

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MS. LIPPY!"

"Chlorophyll? More like borophyll."

Anyhow, it's warm and sunny and there's hardly a cloud in the sky. (The fact that it's Friday doesn't impress me since I don't work any of the other days) But this definitely calls for sitting around being lazy by the pool, rather than sitting around being lazy in my apartment.

TenHaaf and I are hitting the bars this weekend, my lack of funds not withstanding. Hopefully we'll have the assistance of JoePa and Spencer.

I would write more, but the great outdoors beckons.

Hail to the Chief

2004-06-03T21:15:00.000-04:00

POTUS

This man controls the fate of the free world.

My Dream Job

2004-06-03T00:41:00.000-04:00

Really, who doesn't want to work for a boss like this ?

The Truth

2004-06-02T23:05:00.000-04:00

Here it is, folks. The end result of Hillsdale College.

I got that from Dan Greene, one of my less socially acceptable role models.

So I've been in this nether orifice of a city for about three weeks now and everyone refuses to hire me. I mean, I have a Hillsdale College degree. Whatever happened to the line of employers waiting to suck my dick that my college recruiter promised me? Wait... can I say 'suck my dick' on here?

I was, however, somewhat mollified when I found out that a good friend and fellow Hillsdale grad just made the career move of getting a job at Taco Bell. At least he finally learned to think outside the bun. But given how much higher his GPA was than mine, I think I'm totally and completely screwed.

On the other hand, I did have an interview today for a management position at a fairly strong company. Rather, I had three back to back to back interviews with ascending figures of authority from the same company. Manager, HR director, then district manager. And, if I'm really lucky, two more interviews with the regional VP and his sidekick. Maybe they'll even let the janitor ask me some questions if we've got some extra time. All this after being denied the original sales job because someone thought I "looked more like a manager than a salesman" and switched my resume from the 'sales' folder to the 'management trainee' one. All in all, I was there answering questions for slightly over 4 hours. Talk about needing a stiff drink. I must have had five or six before I even drove back home.

"Sure, Officer, I can get my registration. Can you hold my beer for a second?"

Not Funny

2004-06-01T17:40:00.000-04:00

Check this out too.

Stupid gun-fearing liberals. I swear, if everyone carried a gun, there would be no crime. Really, who would try to mug the pizza guy if they knew he was packing heat? The NRA would be so proud.

Funny

2004-06-01T17:33:00.000-04:00

Check out this.

HI-larious.

Sorry, but there are few things funnier than gratuitous cursing. Especially people with British accents.

Primo

2004-06-01T15:24:00.000-04:00

Say a prayer for the world, readers! I, like the phoenix, have been consumed by the fires of undergraduate study and arise anew, diploma in hand, ready to take by force what is not readily surrendered to me.

Um, just kidding. I'm still unemployed and have yet to escape the miserable black hole that is Michigan. The only thing I've got going for me is that I don't still live at home. But I've decided to do something constructive with all my free time. Rather than limit myself to fraternity house emails, I've branched out to internet blogging. This is the first post. There will be many more.

As a disclaimer; this site is for my amusement and well being. Not yours. Here you will find ridiculous ramblings, rabid rhetorical rants, and alliteration. Hopefully you too will find it amusing, but I'm afraid many of you will simply be offended.

While the main purpose of this blog, if blogs are in fact supposed to have a purpose, is to express my feelings and current condition, my posts will, I'm sure, be rife with political and social commentary. And by 'commentary' I mean 'ramblings' and 'rants'. See previous paragraph.

So take a peek if you dare, but let me warn you, this much jingoism, idiot-bashing, and abrasive honesty can be brutally refreshing, and even addictive. Or maybe that's just my mental narcissism poking through again...

Either way, I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I enjoy writing them. And, of course, I welcome all types of comments, including hate mail. No, scratch that. Especially hate mail. I would be utterly dismayed if I found out everyone agreed with me.

My gourmet Hot Pockets are just about finished, and therefore so is this post.